i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
