if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize