My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
