I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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