Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
