I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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