Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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