i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
