Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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