I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
