i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
