just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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