I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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