She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
