I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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