dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize