I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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