You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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