Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
