oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
