Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
