did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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