Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
