you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
