either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
