I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
