So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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