STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
