Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
