NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just high enough for therapy.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize