In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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