I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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