Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it's like heaven, but drunker
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
