Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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