I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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