'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
