Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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