She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
