Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I need a beard to bite.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
