Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
