my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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