Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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