Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
as a side note pls kill me
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
