At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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