I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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