yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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