So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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