i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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