Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We got so high we made milksteak
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
