The maid of honor just puked.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
