She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
