I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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