My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
