he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize