i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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