I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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