Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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