If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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