Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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