the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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