By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
