I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
