I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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