I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize