I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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