Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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