The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
