just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
