Pappa wants mamma naked
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
