I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
