3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
