wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
