Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize